That Wedding Read online

  I'm starting to feel a little less itchy already.

  So even though it's still in the back of my mind, I try to get back to work. I just got an email from the realtor in Kansas City, so I'm scrolling through photos of buildings that are possibilities for temporary offices. I see a few that look promising and am composing a nice email to her to let her know which ones I want to see.

  Vibrate.

  Phillipbaby
  Me: O M G!!!!! Thank you, GOD!!!

  I call Lori. She puts Danny on speaker, so I can break the bad news about our unfortunate STDs to them together.

  "So," I say, "STD does not mean Sexually Transmitted Disease."

  "It doesn't?" they both say.

  "Nope. Not to Phillip's mom. It's wedding speak for Save The Date."

  "OMG!! That's hilarious!" Lori says with a giggle.

  "I know, right? I accused Phillip of having an STD while he was in the middle of a conference call. I was freaking out and feeling itchy and feverish and everything!"

  "You're such a freak," Danny says.

  Lori says, "A lucky freak is more like it. Hey, I have to run. Love you!"

  Danny stays on. "So......how come you never told me you slept with Richie Rich this summer?"

  "Maybe I didn't think it was any of your business?"

  "Or you didn't want Phillip to find out?"

  "Both. Duh! So shut up!"

  "Bye, love you," he says.

  We're driving to the Mac's, and Phillip is giving me a lot of shit about our STD meeting with his parents.

  "We're trespassing on dangerous territory," he tells me.

  I'm not finding the whole thing all that funny, personally, so I tell him very politely to, "Shut up."

  He grabs my hand and kisses it. Like that will help.

  "Phillip, if I would've texted you and told you I was worried about an STD, you totally would've thought the same thing."

  "Well from you, sure, but my MOTHER??!!!" He starts laughing hysterically. He's been doing that a lot lately. He thinks this is quite funny. He calms down a little when I flip him off.

  "I'm sorry. I know it caused you some stress, but it's really quite funny."

  "Maybe, but I was freaking out. You just don't need to go telling people about it, okay?"

  All of a sudden, Phillip looked very interested in the road.

  My phone buzzes. I have a text from Logan, one of our groomsmen.

  Loggie: What's the difference between love and herpes?

  Herpes last forever.

  "Phillip, here's a happy sentiment from Logan about our upcoming nuptials."

  "That's cool. What'd he say?"

  I read Phillip the text. "DID YOU TELL EVERYONE?"

  "Uh, hey, we're here," he says as he pulls in the driveway.

  Needless to say, I get all sorts of subtle, and not so subtle, shit about the STD because, by now, Phillip has told the whole fucking world about it.

  At least with the XXX wedding, I only get funny texts from Danny.

  I walk in the door, and Mr. Mac greets me with a slap on the back. "Hey, JJ, do you know how Burger King gave Dairy Queen an STD?" He laughs then says the punchline. "He forgot to wrap his whopper....hahaha get it?"

  Laugh, laugh, laugh.

  Everybody laugh.

  Phillip, who I think is going to stick up for me, says seriously, "Dad, you really shouldn't joke about STDs."

  See, isn't he sweet?

  But then he adds naughtily, "You can't dick around with stuff like that."

  And now, they're both practically rolling on the floor laughing. Holding their sides, trying to breathe, laughing.

  I'm going to kill myself now.

  We all sit down at the kitchen table. Wedding guest lists in hand.

  My phone buzzes.

  And buzzes.

  Our friends are all soooo witty and clever.

  And right now, I'm flipping them all off in my mind. Mrs. Mac, the very person that started this whole debacle, and the very person who should be most embarrassed by this, keeps grabbing my phone and reading the texts out loud. Then they all hoot with laughter.

  Katiebear: How does herpes leave the hospital?

  On crotches.......bahahaha!!!

  Joeylovesyou: I wanted to get on your wedding website, but I heard it was INFECTED!!!!!

  Hahaha!

  Nickaloser: What's the most fatal sexually transmitted disease for a bird?

  Cherpes, because there is no TWEETMENT!!!

  Jay, I just have to say that your blondness is adorable.

  Blakeness: Hey, congrats. We heard they're naming an STD in your honor.

  I say boldly, "If you're through with all your fun, maybe we can actually work on the guest list?"

  So Phillip, Mr. Organized, somehow merges all of our lists into one spreadsheet. We have four hundred and fifty people on our merged list. Phillip says, "Obviously, we need to make some cuts."

  I say seriously, "We really need to think carefully about this list. I mean we don't wanna give STDs to just anyone, do we?"

  And then I smile.

  Mr. Mac says, "Awww, JJ, you made a little STD joke." And then he says, "Let me see this list." He scans through it. "Julie, if we haven't gotten a Christmas card from them in the last five years, you need to take them off the list." He rambles off about twenty-five names of people I've never heard of.

  Mrs. Mac is starting to pout.

  Phillip says, "Think of it this way, Mom, don't invite anyone you wouldn't want to spend the weekend with. You'll be shopping on the Plaza, eating dinner with them, looking at lights with them, dancing and drinking with them. Go through your list and mark who you really want there with you."

  I look at Phillip's list. A long ass list of frat and football boys whose idea of a perfect night would include beer pong, beer bongs, keg stands, weed, and probably a few strippers. On a mellow night. Let's just say these boys like to party. "You might wanna do the same thing."

  "Hmm, you might be right about that," he says.

  After we went through that, BOOM, the list is done. I guess we can say the STD crisis is over.

  Phillip must have told everyone to stop with the STD jokes because I have yet to get one today. But Danny, bless his heart, is still providing comic relief with his XXX wedding ideas.

  Danny :) Wearing a ball cap low, hoping not to be recognized while doing recon for you at the XXX store. But it's hard to be inconspicuous when you stupidly brought a 6'5", 345 lb. lineman with you.

  Me: LOL! I can so picture you two.

  Danny :) Marcus says he applauds your efforts and hopes he's invited to the wedding.

  Me: Tell him the STD is in the mail!

  Danny :) He says he wants to go to your wedding, but not if he's gonna get an STD.

  Me: I told you the STD story, Danny. Don't give me any shit.

  Danny :) I think I'm the ONLY one that hasn't been giving you shit. I totally would've thought the same thing.

  Me: That's why I love you.

  Danny :) Yes, I know.

  Me: Tell Marcus I wanna come shopping with you guys next time.

  Danny :) Oh my. Will get back to you with some goooood ideas!

  Phillip walks in our office and says, "Hey, I have some free time. Let's talk about the wedding. I just finished my interview with Amy. She asked so many great questions!"

  But the texts keep coming.

  Marcus: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

  So she wouldn't get hearing aids.

  I can't help it. I send one back. I know so many blonde jokes.

  Me: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

  Locking the car door.

  Marcus: What's the mating call of a blonde?

  I'm so drunk...

  Me: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?

  Have another beer.

  Marcus: Does that work?

  Me: It works on Danny.
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  Phillip grabs my phone from me and puts it in his desk drawer. "You are so easily distracted."

  "Oh yeah, the wedding. Well, what do you want? What's important to you?"

  He pulls me onto his lap. "Obviously, the most important part is that when it's over, you'll be my wife."

  He kisses me for a bit.

  Who's distracted now?

  I go, "Ummm."

  He stops kissing me and says, "Wedding, right. I told her I want good food. Good music. Good cake. A fun after party. A hot bride."

  He starts kissing me again.

  Seriously, this is why we get never get anything accomplished.

  His secretary buzzes him over the intercom at some point and says, "Your appointment is here."

  He stops kissing me. "Dang, I have to go."

  I get my phone out of his drawer and see another text.

  Danny :) I have two words for you: Edible Underwear.

  As we're walking through the church doors, Phillip grabs my hand and says, "Be nice."

  I roll my eyes at him. "If he can't tell us anything that will make us be a better couple, why should I take it seriously?"

  He stops and pulls me toward him. "Because it's our marriage, our life. I would hope you'd wanna take that seriously."

  "Fine, I'll try to be good."

  We sit in the stupid blue checkered chairs and watch Pastor John rub on his beard for a while.

  I'm thinking ahead to another fun Taco Tuesday, when he says, "Another big issue in marriage is how much time you spend together."

  Well, shit. I've got this one. We don't even need to discuss this.

  We've got this aced.

  "Phillip and I spend tons of time together. We're together all the time, so we're good."

  Phillip gives me a little glare.

  Pastor sighs. "It's great you spend time together, but are you spending enough time apart? Everyone needs a little space."

  I swear to God, yes, God, you up there! Are you listening to this shit?

  I can't say ANYTHING right!

  I say we spend lots of time together, he says it's wrong. If I would've said we hate each other and never want to be together, he would've been proud.

  This is so stupid.

  Plus, I can hear the margaritas calling my name.

  Well, not really, but I just got a text from Neil that said, The margaritas are calling your name. So like I know they are.

  Phillip says, "We do spend time apart. And I can see how that will become even more important since we've started working together."

  I turn and look at him. Is that really my Phillip? Did he just say he needs time away from me?

  "You want time away from me?" I ask, trying not to sound as crushed as I feel.

  "No, I just.....like how you take baths or go shopping. Like we don't do everything together even now."

  Pastor John says, "Exactly. For a marriage to be strong, you have to maintain your own self-worth and confidence. You should feel comfortable letting Phillip have hobbies of his own. Occasionally, he should be able to see his friends without you. Just like it's important for you to do the same."

  Speaking of friends, ours are at the bar waiting for us. We should probably get going.

  Pastor continues. "If you're together all the time, it can become suffocating."

  I say with just a tad of sarcasm in my voice, "So first, our marriage is going to fester and get infected, and then we're going to suffocate each other. Gee, marriage sounds like great fun."

  He ignores me, has us do some lame flashcard game where we're given examples of a conflict, and we have to work it out with our words. Phillip and I do awesome on this exercise.

  Probably because the things we were supposed to be fighting about were unrealistic. Like I can't imagine us ever fighting over things like rules for our kids, or sex, or friendships, but I talked them out with Phillip like the perfect little bride.

  As we're walking to the car, Phillip smiles sweetly at me. "You did a good job role playing. It's good to know we can work out conflict. You definitely deserve margaritas tonight."

  I don't have the heart to tell him that I was totally faking everything.

  Lori's on the phone whining to me. "Jade, we need to plan your bachelorette party, and I'm thinking maybe you should ask Lisa or Chelsea to do it because I'm pregnant. It kinda sucks that I can't drink, and I'm afraid it won't be fun."

  I'm prepared for this conversation because Danny called me the other night while she was taking a bath and gave me a heads up.

  "You know, Lori, I'm kind of over the whole let's get drunk, eat penis cake, dance, and party thing. I mean, I'm getting married. I'm supposed to be a grown up. What I really want my bachelorette party to be about is spending time with my girlfriends. Like would you be upset if we didn't have a bar crawl kind of party?"

  "Uh, um...," she mumbles.

  She's shocked at me, I think.

  "Well, what would you wanna do?"

  "I don't know. What about a girl's day? Like maybe we go to the spa, come back to my place, order up food, and have, I don't know, a pajama party sort of. Drink some martinis, talk, and enjoy being with the girls?"

  "Really???? Danny suggested a spa thing, but I know how you like to party and dance, and I figured that's for sure what you'd wanna do."

  "Yeah, I know. I hope it doesn't mean I'm getting old and boring already, but if I'm gonna dance and party, I'd like to do it with Phillip, not some random bar guys."

  "I don't think it means you're old and boring, Jade. I think it means you're in love."

  "That's probably true."

  "This will be so much fun. We'll do it the same weekend the boys go to Vegas."

  "The boys are going to Vegas?"

  "Oh, I guess I better have Danny call you about that."

  Pretty soon, Danny calls me. I swear, it's a good thing I have a boss who won't get mad at me for planning my wedding and talking to my friends when I'm at work. One of the benefits of working for Phillip.

  "So I'm planning the bachelor party. Got any suggestions or things I can or can't do?"

  "What did my dad say before I went to visit you in Lincoln?"

  He laughs and uses a deeper voice, "She better not get drunk, stoned, pregnant, or dead. I will never forget that phone call."

  "I'd say something along those lines. I'd like him not to get so drunk he does something he'll regret. I'd like him to be alive when it's over, and preferably nothing involving jail time."

  "Cool. I can handle that."

  "So what are you going to do? What's the plan?"

  "Well, my plan is to get a few of the bros together for a weekend in Vegas. My bye week is the first week in December, so it should work out great. We could have one continuous buck ass wild party."

  "Sounds awesome," I say, but truthfully, I don't want Phillip anywhere near a buck ass wild party. I want him home with me.

  Is that bad?

  Am I clingy?

  Am I going to smother our marriage before it even starts?

  "I thought it'd be awesome, but then I was talking to one of the guys on the team. He said the bachelor party shouldn't be about what I would like, but what the groom would like. So I have an idea. It's maybe a little unconventional, but I know he'd love it. And based on what Lori wants to do for your bachelorette, it may be perfect."

  "Now you have me interested."

  "Phillip, in case you don't already know it, is freaking nuts about you."

  "You think?" I giggle.

  "Uh, yeah, and when I mentioned taking him away for the weekend, I could tell he wasn't crazy about the idea. So what if we sorta combine the bachelor and bachelorette parties?"

  "I'm not dancing for you, Danny."

  "I think we'd all get in trouble for that. So, I haven't worked out all the details yet, but I thought we'd fly in separately on Friday. You girls go do the spa or whatever. Us guys will go golfing, followed by the traditional bachelor party night. The next day, we'll f
igure out a fun way to surprise Phillip. Then we'll all go out together Saturday night. Do drinks, have a nice dinner, go dancing. What do you think?"

  "Danny, that sounds like so much fun, it really does!" But then I think about everyone having to fly to Vegas, pay for rooms, drinks, and the spa. "I'm just worried about asking my friends to spend their money on a trip to Vegas when they've already bought dresses for the wedding and all that. It feels like too much."

  "Jay," Danny says softly.

  "What?"

  "I've got it covered."

  "What do you mean? You've already talked to everyone, and they're okay with it?"

  "Not exactly. I mean, I have it covered. I'm gonna pay for it. The flights, hotel rooms, the spa, all of it."

  "Danny, you can't do that! It's way too much."

  "Jay, listen to me. You guys are my best friends. I'm so excited you're marrying each other, and I wanna do this for you, for both of you. Please just be gracious and say thank you, Danny and don't fight me on it."

  I want to put up a fight because Danny's going way overboard on this. But it's not very often that Danny asks me not to fight with him. It might the first time. Um, no, it is the first time. For sure. Danny likes to fight with me, I think.

  "Fine, I won't fight you on it. It sounds amazing and is incredibly sweet and generous of you. But I have one request. Will you dance at my party?"

  "Uh, no."

  "Awwww, come on, Danny. You'd put those Thunders from Down Under to shame."

  "I'm gonna say no, sorry. So what do you think about surprising Phillip? Like not telling him that you're there? Don't you think he'll love that? I was thinking we'd dress you up and have you come to our suite, like you're a dancer or something."

  "He will be all hungover and probably won't even notice it's me."

  Danny chuckles. "Jay, you know how it'll be. Phillip will be fine, and the rest of us will be hanging."

  "True, Phillip never gets all fucked up does he?"

  "Nope."

  "I kinda like that about him."

  "Well from what I hear, you kinda like everything about him. And a few things specifically. Who knew you were so naughty. And don't you two ever get tired?"