That Wedding Read online

  I've been dreading registering because Lori told me I needed to picture what kind of dishes I would want to serve my children holiday dinners on. What dishes I want to feed Phillip a lovingly made dinner from every night. What color my kitchen would be, so my mixer would match.

  Registering felt like an overwhelming task, but it wasn't.

  We walked in, looked at the fine china patterns, looked at each other, and said, "That one." Then we picked out flatware, and Phillip's dad picked out a stemware pattern that I love. It's gorgeous heavy crystal, but the glass is cut in a modern way.

  Phillip's mom showed us the items that she loves to use when entertaining, and those things that are too much of a hassle to deal with. Like real silver. Yes, it's shiny and gorgey in the store, but who has time to deal with it?

  And instead of registering being a chore, it was a breeze. I think Phillip and I were just overwhelmed with all of the possibilities and here, with their help, all the picks we made, made sense. She even suggested we register for a few holiday pieces. She said people will love knowing we'll use them every year.

  When we were done, Phillip took me over to look at wedding bands. I was a bit overwhelmed by all the sparkle in the case, but I didn't see one that was slightly curved like my ring. "I don't think any of these will fit my ring. I don't really need a wedding band, Phillip. My engagement ring is enough."

  "No way, Princess. You're not getting out of wearing a wedding band that easy. I want everyone to know you're married." He touches my ring finger. "I also heard you talking to Lori about what kind of band you thought would look pretty, so I had one made. We snuck over here earlier to see if it was finished. Wanna see it?"

  I have to control myself not to jump up and down in the middle of the store and scream, Of course, I wanna see it!!!

  A salesperson brings out a box and sets it in front of me. I slowly open the lid.

  "Holy shit!" I say loudly. Everyone in the store turns to stare at me.

  I lower my head and say breathlessly, "Phillip, it's gorgeous."

  My engagement ring has an X on each side that's filled with baguette diamonds. The wedding band has three rows of the same baguettes. I take my engagement ring off, so I can try it on.

  Phillip slides the band on my finger. "Just think, the next time I put this ring on your finger, we'll be saying our vows. What do you think about writing our own vows?"

  I'm pretty sure I'd agree to just about anything right now. Vows, murder, cheating, armed robbery, yeah, whatever, I'm in.

  I hold the ring up, watch it sparkle in the lights, and then put my engagement ring on top of it. "Sure, Phillip. Vows, yeah, we can do that." I look at my hand some more. "Wow, this is pretty amazing."

  "I think you're just easy to impress with a little bling."

  He gives me a sweet kiss on the cheek while I think, This is a hell of a lot more than a little bling.

  I decide to take a lesson from Mrs. Mac and not say a word. Because if he wants to think this is a little bling, I can't imagine the day he tries to impress me with some big bling.

  We're worn out from our annual Thanksgiving football game and stuffed from Thanksgiving dinner, but we headed to the bar to meet up with our friends. It's become a tradition too.

  Danny and Lori are in town, so they joined us.

  I ask Lori, "Have you thought of any baby names yet?"

  "A few. I kinda like Sloan or Carly for a girl. And we've been thinking about some meaningful names. Like Hayden Fry was a great football coach, so Danny thought Hayden might be cool for a boy. I don't know that much about football, so I suggested Madden."

  "I love that name!"

  "I do too, but he thought it was hilarious that the only name I knew was from an Xbox game. Of course, he idolizes Tom Osborne, the great Husker coach, but I don't care for either Tom or Osborne as a first name. Danny thought Osborne Diamond sounded super awesome. I didn't mind that until he told me he'd call the kid Ozzy. Um, no. I don't think so."

  Phillip, who's been drinking all day and is a little tipsy, says sillily, "I know! You could name your daughter Carat. Get it? Carat Diamond."

  Katie and Lisa both say at the same time, "Hope! What about Hope Diamond?"

  I didn't partake in the drinking today.

  I know, shocker, right?

  I didn't drink earlier because I'm so competitive when it comes to the annual football game. Then after the game, when I was stuffing myself with turkey and all sorts of other goodies, I kept drinking water. I'm hoping the water will absorb some of the hundred million calories I consumed and will quickly flush them out of my body. I want to make sure my wedding dress fits!!

  Phillip's doing shots with the boys, so I'm being responsible and am just sipping on a martini. I wanted a raspberry martini, but Lori made me get a cosmopolitan just so she could smell it. After a few minutes of her sniffing my drink, I begged the bartender for a nonalcoholic version. Now she's torn between loving the feel of the martini glass in her hand and being horrified that people will think she's drinking alcohol.

  She rolls her eyes at Phillip's suggestion of Carat Diamond and continues our conversation. "I think Damon is my favorite for a boy."

  "Damon Diamond. I like that."

  "Another Big D," Joey says, slapping Danny on the back.

  "Really, it should be Double D," I stupidly say. It causes all the guys to hoot and holler.

  What is it about boys and boobs?

  Neil yells, "Double D! Aw yeah, baby. Gotta love those. You should definitely pick a D name for your daughter. Lori's got big cans, maybe your daughter will too."

  All the guys laugh and start coming up with D names. They throw out Darcy, Daisy, Daniella, and Dani."

  Danny says, "We can't give a girl the same name as me, that would be dumb. I do think Destiny would be kinda cute though."

  Joey giggles. "Destiny Diamond. That totally sounds like a stripper name. That'd be so hot."

  "You know, I've kinda been freaking out over being a father, but then I read in a men's magazine somewhere that as long as you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, that you've done a good job."

  Lori is sitting next to me. She hasn't moved an inch, but I swear, I just felt the earth shift. Like she's a volcano waiting to blow.

  She gives Danny the evilest stare I've ever seen. Way worse than the death stare she gave me at her candle passing. And that almost killed me.

  Danny is kinda drunk, and he's having fun, goofing around. I don't think he realizes that this is in no way funny to Lori.

  She grabs his hand across the table to get his attention and says madly, "I've been puking daily, listening to classical music that I hate, and drinking only organic juices. I haven't had a cup of coffee, a diet coke, or a beer in months. I've painted the nursery with nontoxic paint, so the baby won't get cancer, and bought baby Einstein toys. And you mean to tell me, your only goal for our child is to not be a stripper or a drug addict?"

  "We're just messing around, having fun. Relax, Lori," Danny says.

  She pulls her hand away from him. "You're right. That's exactly what I need to do." She says, "Excuse me," to the table and slides out of her chair.

  Her and her baby bump make their way up to the bar. A few minutes later, she comes back with two shots of tequila and a pack of cigarettes.

  She's about to make a point, I think.

  Danny and the boys are still enjoying the baby name game. Danny's laughing hysterically about another stripper name.

  Neil says, "How bout Dakota Diamond? She could wear a cowboy hat, boots, and a rhinestone thong."

  The guys all laugh hysterically. Phillip is wiping tears from his eyes. The only time Phillip laughs so much he cries is when he's drunk.

  I watch Lori open the pack of cigarettes, take one out, put it in her mouth, and light it.

  She takes a pretend drag, slides a shot glass in front of me, and says loudly, "To my future child."

  I hold my shot glass in the air whi
le I kick Danny under the table.

  He looks at Lori in horror and grabs the shot glass away from her. "What the hell are you doing?"

  Her voice is surprisingly calm as she says, "Why should I make all these sacrifices for our child when your expectations are so low?"

  "We're just teasing. I have goals for our child. Big goals. And I'm so proud of all you've done. I'm sorry, baby."

  What a suck up.

  Lori seems to be appeased though. She smashes out the cigarette, moves the ashtray as far away as she can, and then announces that she has to pee.

  When she's safely in the bathroom, Danny turns to me, clinks the shot glass against mine, and downs the shot. Then he takes mine and downs it too.

  Somehow, I don't think it will be his last of the pregnancy.

  "This isn't going to be easy, is it?" he asks.

  I just smile at him because I really don't have an answer.

  I feel like I'm out in the wilderness hunting for my dinner without a gun.

  And it's hopeless that I'll ever find myself a meal because Phillip won't let me have a gun.

  He says women shouldn't carry guns. And when I ask if I could have a knife, or a sword, or a grenade, or even a bow and arrow, he just keeps saying no, no, no.

  And no is not a word I like to hear.

  I adore Phillip, but he really needs to set foot in this century.

  Why do I feel this way?

  Because we're looking at houses, and we can't seem to agree on what to spend. Phillip is conservative and has a strict budget in mind, and nothing I say can change that stubborn mind.

  I've offered to get money out of my trust, so we can afford something a little nicer. Something preferably in Danny and Lori's neighborhood. Phillip says no. He doesn't want me to spend any of my money on the house. I've even tried to be creative. I've offered a lot of money. I've offered little amounts of money. I've offered monthly kind of money.

  But still, no.

  He has his mind made up that we can afford X amount, and there is no discussion about it.

  Which I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.

  We're going to be married.

  Shouldn't we be able to discuss this?

  Does Phillip really believe that he wears the pants in the family? I thought we were gonna have a pants-free relationship!

  This is why couple's counseling is bullshit.

  Phillip is picking up bad habits there!

  Where's the calm, reasonable Phillip that I know and love? Where's the guy who can't stand to see me pout?

  Not in the car with me today, apparently, because I just tried to bring up the budget subject again, and he shut me down. I even gave him my adorable, irresistible pout, and he ignored it!!

  I'm lazily rubbing Phillip's back. He loves when I rub his back after sex. He's also usually in a pretty damn good mood. Lori says she could ask Danny for anything she wanted after sex, and he'd probably agree to it. She also says that she lets Danny think he wears the pants in the family.

  I'm wondering if she might be on to something. My usual tactics aren't working at all, so maybe I do need a more subtle approach.

  "Phillip, I was thinking that maybe part of the reason we're having a hard time finding a house is because we haven't given the realtor much to go on. All you've given her is a price range. Maybe we should talk about what we really want."

  He considers the question, probably trying to gauge its threat level. He must decide we're still at DEFCON1 because he says, "You might be right. We haven't been very helpful. What do I want? I wanna be able to afford it."

  "Yes, that one we already know," I sigh. Maybe this isn't going to work.

  But he goes on. "I'd also like a modern kitchen with granite countertops. I'd like a room where we can entertain, maybe play pool, watch TV."

  Wow. We might be making progress. I want those things too!! "I agree with you, Phillip. What else?"

  "Three garages would be really nice, you know, in case we decide to get another car."

  "You don't want to spend any money on a house, and now you want another car?!"

  "Not now, but eventually, yes."

  I decide not to start a fight.

  I'm so amiable tonight. I don't know what's gotten into me.

  "Okay, what else?"

  "A big backyard and a hot tub, for sure. I miss how we used to sit in the hot tub and talk for hours."

  I smile at him, remembering all those talks in college. How we would dream about our futures. "I miss the hot tub too, and you know how I like the water. I'd love it if we had a big bath tub." Things are going well, so I decide to push it just a bit. "I'd also love to have some kind of view."

  "We cannot afford to live by Danny. I'm not an NFL quarterback, okay?"

  "That's not what I meant, Phillip. I just don't want a backyard where my view is nothing but a tall wooden fence. That would drive me nuts! I get that you don't want to spend any money and have any fun."

  "Do you have any idea what they spent on their house? Even with the raise I'm getting, I can't afford that."

  "Yeah, I do. And the remodel too. I don't know why you're being so stubborn about this. Let's take what you're comfortable spending and pay the rest from my trust."

  "I can't do that. That's your money and if something happened to us..."

  "Phillip? What are you saying? Are you saying you don't think we're gonna work out?"

  "Well if you don't stop bugging me about this, we might not work out. I have a good job. I don't need your handouts to buy my wife a house."

  My mouth flops open. I quickly clamp it shut because I think we just got to the root of the problem.

  I need to think more about the best way to approach this. I'm pretty sure some sex and a back rub isn't gonna work in this situation. Besides, I've been on the internet every day, and there's nothing for sale worth fighting over.

  Might as well let him wear the pants for a little while longer.

  Speaking of pants.

  He's not wearing any, so I slide my hand between his legs, kiss his neck, say, "We'll work out just fine," and let him take control.

  If it weren't for the promise of margaritas after, I don't think I could get through couple's counseling.

  I've also come to hate these stupid blue checkered chairs.

  I'm fantasizing about how I'm going to sneak in his office, steal them, and burn them. That way no other couple will ever have to sit in them again. I'm going to steal his records and invite all the other couples who've been tortured here. We'll stand around the chairs, have a big bonfire, and roast wienies that look like Pastor John.

  Pastor John brings up the subject of money, which catches my attention. I realize that Lori might be right. Maybe we DO need counseling! Because Phillip definitely needs counseling in this area. He needs to learn the art of compromise!

  Pastor hands us each a financial questionnaire.

  After we write down our answers, he takes them from us.

  Shit!

  I didn't know he was gonna take them!! Last time, he didn't take them!!

  Double shit!

  I cringe as Pastor reads them back to us. "The first question asks what your spending habits are and if you agree on them. JJ, you said, I buy shoes. He buys beer and shit for his car, and we try to pretend it doesn't bother us. So yes, we agree. Oh shoot, I probably shouldn't say shit on a religious paper. Cross that out."

  Phillip raises an eyebrow at me. I'm slightly mortified. I really wish I could read his mind because then I'd know if I'm in trouble for cussing or for what I said.

  I whisper to Phillip. "I didn't know he was gonna read them! Last time, he didn't read them!"

  Pastor continues. "Phillip said, This is probably an area we need to discuss. Especially since we need to buy a house soon. JJ is pretty conservative with her money, so it will work out well."

  Awww. Phillip is so sweet, but he's so completely clueless. I've been conservative with my trust money, but the money I make at my job, not s
o much.

  Like, not at all.

  That's why I have so many shoes. An assassin would have no trouble profiling me. He'd look at my credit card statement and quickly find my weakness for shoes and drinks. I'd die holding a cocktail and a bag of shoes. Not a bad way to go, now that I think about it. Actually, scratch that.

  I'd die never having worn the shoes.

  That'd suck.

  Phillip reaches over and holds my hand. I grin lovingly back at him.

  Danny's not the only one who can suck up.

  Pastor keeps going. "The next question asks if you have set any mutual long-term financial goals. JJ, you said, Uh, no, and Phillip said, I have quite a few long term goals for myself, but this is something we need to discuss. I'd say that's a good idea, Phillip."

  Oh, sure. Phillip's the star student. If I would've known he was gonna read them, I would've tried harder.

  "I think we can probably guess whether or not JJ has made a budget yet, but here's what your bride said, Phillip. If there's money in my account, I spend it. Does that count?"

  Phillip chuckles. I guess at least I can make him laugh.

  "Okay," I say. "I think we've heard enough. We haven't talked at all about money. In fact, we've been arguing about how much to spend on a house. Phillip won't negotiate. Couple's counseling has corrupted him. Now, he thinks he wears the pants in the family."

  Phillip narrows his eyes at me. "I'm not negotiating because we can't afford what you want." He turns toward Pastor and says, "We'll figure it out. Thanks for making us aware that this could be an issue."

  Pastor says, "It's definitely an issue. Money problems are one of the top reasons marriages fail. I think I'll let you go early today. Why don't you go home and discuss how to overcome this challenge."

  He's letting us out early???? Taco Tuesday, here we come!!!

  I sneak my phone out of my coat pocket, hide it under my leg, and text Joey.

  Me: The warden is letting us out early due to bad behavior! We'll be there soon!

  "I agree," I say quickly. "We should go home and work on it right away."

  As we're walking out to the car, Phillip says, "So we're going home to talk about our budget, huh?"

  Ha!

  "NO!!! We're going to the bar and getting you a few drinks. Then we'll go home and discuss it in bed."

  "I thought we learned that sex doesn't resolve conflict."