That Wedding Read online

  I think about how my mom used to handle my stubborn dad and say sweetly, "Phillip, we don't have a conflict. I'll do whatever you think is best."

  His head snaps toward me, and he looks at me with wide brown eyes. I think I just shocked him.

  "Really?" he says. "You don't wanna argue about it?"

  "Nope, I trust you. You set the budget, and we'll find a great house."

  He looks confused. "Are you trying to trick me?"

  "I don't think so," I say.

  Even though I totally am. If he picks the wrong house, he'll feel guilty about it. He won't wanna feel guilty, plus, he'll want to please me, so I'm hoping this is like reverse psychology.

  Make him feel in control, even when he's not.

  We're in Vegas for my bachelorette party!

  We got into town early this morning, checked in, and immediately headed to the spa. We all had massages, facials, and body scrubs. We've soaked in the whirlpool, ate lunch, drank lots of water and a little wine, and then headed back to our suite. Our plan is to have a drink while we figure out our dinner and clubbing plans.

  I plop down on the couch between Chelsea and Katie. "Are you guys tired?"

  Chelsea says, "I'm so relaxed, I don't feel like moving."

  "Who knew a spa day could wear you out so much?" Katie agrees.

  "So what do you guys wanna do? Should we get ready, go out?" Lori asks everyone.

  Katie and I groan at the thought of getting ready.

  Lori happily continues. "Well, if we don't feel like going anywhere, let's get comfy, order room service, and just stay here and chill."

  I know Lisa is dying to hit the clubs, but Lori looks tired. I quickly agree with her. "I think that sounds like a great idea!" I'm hoping everyone is either too tired, or too polite, to disagree with what the bachelorette wants.

  The smile Lori gives me sorta melts my heart. She wants me to have fun, but so wants to be a part of everything. I bet it's kinda hard being the only one who can't drink. If we stay here, she'll be happy, and I want her to be happy.

  Lori grabs Katie off the big sectional couch, drags her into the bedroom, and comes back lugging gift wrapped packages.

  "What's all this?" I ask.

  "Open them and see!" she says.

  I watch the girls open their presents. I love watching people open presents. The girls pull matching purple velour Juicy Couture sweatsuits out from purple glitter tissue paper.

  Lori tells everyone. "I got these for us to wear while we're getting ready the day of the wedding, but we can all put them on now!" She notices I haven't opened mine yet. "Jade, open yours! Yours is the best."

  I slowly unwrap the present. Savoring it, like I always do. I also have matching sweats. Lori pulls the jacket out of the box and holds it up. "Look everyone!"

  The back of all the jackets have Juicy written across them. Mine has been customized with black and silver rhinestones that spell out Bride.

  I am a JUICY Bride?

  (Insert your own joke here. I'm really too relaxed to feel witty.)

  We have a great time just lounging, eating, and drinking. But as the wine bottles are emptied, what's supposed to be a sweet relaxing night, turns into a wine-fueled roast of the bride.

  As in, me.

  I swear, they're telling every humiliating and embarrassing dating story about me!

  Is nothing sacred with these women?

  I'm feeling pretty mellow though, and I have to admit, some of the things that have happened with me and boys have been pretty amusing.

  I should write a book about it.

  Not a how-to book. No. This would be a revolutionary book.

  It would start a whole new category of books. Screw the self-help books.

  Instead of a book telling you what to do, this book would tell you what NOT to do.

  A how-not-to book.

  Things you should be wary of. Things you should never do. Lines you should never fall for. Basically, how to survive college.

  This book would probably be the size of War and Peace, especially if I like went on the internet and complied not only my stories, but other girl's not-tos as well.

  Chelsea, my adorable sorority baby sister, starts the whole thing by saying, "Remember when that guy called Jadyn by the wrong name, and she believed his lame ass excuse?"

  They all laugh hysterically.

  DO NOT #1: If a guy calls you another name, you should run away! Do NOT believe him when he says he was just reading a novel for his Advanced Literature class and related to the character and his feelings for his love, who, "Oh baby, reminds me so much of you that I accidentally said her name."

  Yeah, don't fall for that. He's lying. I'm pretty sure there were no girls named Kelsey in any Advanced Literature books.

  Katie laughs. "She always used to fall for the line, Let's go to my room, so we can talk in private."

  Lori, who hasn't even had any wine, giggles at me. "Everyone knows that, Jade. How do you even fall for that?"

  I'm pretty sure that's one of those rhetorical questions, so I don't even bother to reply.

  DO NOT #2: DO NOT believe when he says he wants to go some place quiet to talk, especially if you're tipsy. Talking is the very last thing on his mind.

  The girls keep giggling. Lori half laughs and half screams, "What about when everyone thought she was the threesome video girl?"

  I decide to defend myself on this one. "It's not my fault, I'm nice. He asked me out in such a cute way."

  Lori laughs. "He handed you a dandelion! How was that cute? That's like the lamest thing ever!"

  "No, it wasn't. Phillip used to pick me dandelions when we were kids. It was adorable."

  DO NOT #3: If you are best friends with two hot guys, and you decide to date a slightly smaller, somewhat insecure guy, who's adorable in the I-rescued-this-lost-kitten sort of way, DO NOT bring your hot buff roommates to the bar to meet him. He will immediately think that all you do when you go home is lie around naked, have sex, and make sex videos.

  Yes, that's what his feeble little mind came up with, and because he was insecure, he also chose to spread that sweet adorable thought all around campus. For three seemingly unending weeks, I got numerous texts from guys who wanted to get to know me better with their cameras. And others who wanted me to send them just one naked picture.

  It's like they wanted proof to show their friends that they had, in fact, kissed (or whatever) the threesome video girl.

  Chelsea giggles. "Oh my gosh! Do you remember the night she hurled burritos and tequila all over the frat house?"

  DO NOT #4: DO NOT get drunk off tequila shots and then attempt to navigate through a fraternity party to find your friend, and usual rescuer, because sometimes you can't find him in your drunken state, and you're forced to send up a flare, or smoke signals, or something.

  In this particular case, the signal was me hurling tequila, beer, and a burrito dinner all over the dance floor and half the crowd there.

  I will mention though, this is a very effective way to clear the place out and force your friend to get off the girl he was doing God-knows-what-with and come help you. It does not, however, earn you points with the guy who gave you all the tequila shots in the first place.

  Lori grabs my arm. "Jade, wasn't that the same guy that said if you squeezed your left hand into a fist that you wouldn't have a gag reflex?"

  I roll my eyes. "Yes, he's the one. Thanks for remembering."

  Lisa and Katie roll around on the couch holding their sides and laughing. Lisa screeches, "Who would ever believe that? Even I'm not that dumb!"

  Chelsea almost spits out her wine, she's laughing so hard.

  DO NOT #5: DO NOT believe a boy who tells you that if you squeeze your left hand into a fist that you will not have a gag reflex; therefore, putting something of his in your mouth would be fine even though you told him you were feeling a little spinny and nauseous.

  Obviously, the squeezed fist is a myth, and he should've been thankful
that I didn't do the whole blown dance floor thing all over his room.

  I cringe. "Can we please talk about something else?"

  Lori and Chelsea look at each other, grab hands, and scream, "SKITTLES VODKA!"

  DO NOT #6: DO NOT listen when football players tell you adding skittles to vodka makes it less strong and more like candy. It will still fuck you up.

  Chelsea screams, "No, wait! I have one. Remember the night we made her wear the do not buy me shots button to the bar? Ohmigawd, that night was classic!"

  DO NOT #7: DO NOT EVER let your friends make you wear a button to the bar that says DO NOT BUY ME SHOTS. This button is like having a beacon on your body that says DO buy me shots, because there are boys out there with that Christopher Columbus attitude. They want to go to new frontiers, explore new worlds, and shit. And those types of boys will want to discover exactly what happens when you do. And without going into detail here, trust me, it's not pretty.

  Lori laughs some more. "What about the slutty hot tub video?"

  "We don't need to talk about that," I say, laughing and covering my face in fake shame. That night was really fun.

  DO NOT #8: DO NOT let a bunch of your best friend's fraternity brothers talk you into seeing how many guys you could fit in the hot tub with. Just say no and go to bed. And if you can't say that, try to say no when they get out the cooking oil and rub everyone down with it, thinking that will allow more people to fit. I'm telling you, if there is enough Jaegermeister involved, anything is possible. And if you do all this anyway, then at least DO NOT let someone record the process and post it on YouTube. No matter what, it's gonna look slutty. And on a side note, it might be a good idea to untag yourself from said video, so your future employers don't see it when they google your name.

  Katie grabs her laptop, finds the video, and plays it for everyone. They think it's hilarious.

  I think I'll just have a little more wine.

  It's at this point that I really wanna call Phillip, but I know I shouldn't. He's probably at a strip club with some gorgeous fake boobed babe gyrating on his lap. But as Katie and Lisa start telling the keg in the cornfield story, specifically how Jake announced my virginity to the world, well, I caved.

  I sent him a text.

  I figured I wouldn't get one back at all, but I guess it made me feel better knowing if he saw it, maybe he would think about me for just a minute between stuffing dollar bills down some chick's thong.

  Me: Just wanted to say I love you and miss you. This is the first night I've spent away from you in almost three months.

  I'm surprised by his immediate response.

  Phillipbaby
  Me: Are you having a lot of fun?

  Phillipbaby
  Me: :) Me too!

  Phillipbaby
  And I feel happy for the rest of the night.

  The next morning, I'm buzzed awake by my phone and hear Phillip's sexy voice say, "Hey, Princess, you awake?"

  "Kinda. Why are you up? Are you just getting in? Are you sick?"

  "Naw, I got in around four, and why would I be sick?"

  "Last night was your bachelor party. Aren't you supposed to be puking this morning? Or did you last night?"

  "You know I don't like to get that drunk. There was a lot of shot drinking though, and it was pretty wild. But you know Danny, and well, the rest of the crew too."

  "Define pretty wild."

  Phillip chuckles. "The groom had lots of fun drinking and being stupid. He even greatly enjoyed the strip club, mostly cuz he was laughing so hard at Dillon and Cooper. But mostly, he was thinking about how much he misses his Princess. Did you and the girls have fun? Are you hanging?"

  "Maybe a little."

  "I figured. I miss you."

  "I miss you more."

  Danny texts me around ten-thirty.

  Danny :) Our suite, 11am. An appropriate outfit is being delivered to your room. There will be other girls dressed similarly, so don't freak.

  There's a knock at my door. I open it, and a concierge hands me a little gift bag. I set it on my bed and pull the outfit out.

  What there is of it.

  Me: OMG!!! Seriously??!!! I can't wear that!

  Danny :) Oh, come on. He's gonna love it.

  Me: Are you still drunk?

  Danny :) Maybe. We haven't stopped drinking. In fact, right now, I'm a doctor.

  Me: Let me guess, all you prescribe is cranberry and vodka?

  Danny :) Yes'm!! I'm drinking one right now! YUMMY!

  Me: I'm gonna need some liquid courage to even put this thing on!

  Danny :) Go do two shots. Then I have a confession.

  Me: Did Phillip sleep with a stripper!!!!????

  Danny :) No!!!

  Me: Did you??

  Danny :) Hell, no. Shots, then answers.

  Me: Fine.

  I go to the bar in our suite, pour myself a shot, say a prayer that Danny's brilliant idea doesn't backfire, then toss the shot back. I do another one then decide to make myself a screwdriver. Those always taste good in the morning even if you have a slight wine hangover.

  Me: Shots fired, Captain. Time for answers.

  Danny :) You know how you keep telling me I'm an NFL quarterback, so I need to get rid of the old Tahoe?

  Me: Yeahhhhh.

  Danny :) After quite a few shots, things got a little crazy, and I kinda did.

  Me: Danny!! OMG!!!!!. Did you go to the Ferrari dealership downstairs!!??

  Danny :) Maybe :D

  Me: Lori is gonna freak!!!! I'm soooo excited for you!!! Which one did you get?

  Danny :) Red F430 Spider :)

  Me: OMG!! That's awesome, Dannyyy!!!! I cant wait to see it!! Ride in it!! Hell, drive it!!!

  Danny :) That means you'll help me tell her?

  Me: Yeshhhh :)

  Danny :) Put on the outfit, send me a pic.

  I put on the outfit. A minuscule black leather bustier, an even smaller thong, black fishnet thigh highs, and a matching leather mask to covers my eyes. I add a pair of black stripper heels I brought to wear to the club tonight.

  Me: I'm NOT sending a picture! You're all about to see WAY more of me than you should! I can't believe you talked me into this! You do realize this could backfire horribly!

  Danny :) How could it backfire?

  Me: What if I see Phillip doing something with one of the stripper girls? What if he's not attracted to me? It could break us up. I don't think the bride belongs at the bachelor party.

  Danny :) This isn't the bachelor party. This is just a little fun. If Phillip wanted someone else, he had plenty of opportunities last night. Girls like him. I was a little jealous.

  Me: What did he do? No, wait, I don't wanna know.

  Danny :) He did the same thing I did. Enjoyed girls flirting with him, looked, but didn't touch. I can't say that for the rest of the crew though.

  Me: Really?? OMG that makes me so happy.

  Danny :) Do another shot. I'm having one. Do one with me. Like right now.

  Me: Okay.

  Danny :) Here's to happy endings. Hopefully, Phillip's.

  Me: You're so bad. Cheers.

  Danny :) Get your skinny ass down here. The other girls are waiting in the hallway for you.

  I put on a coat and walk to their suite. As Danny said, there are three other girls dressed similarly to me. The problem is, they look WAY better than me. They have big boobs, great curvy hips, and sexy lush red lips. I remembered to put on some tinted lipgloss, but then I drank most of the screwdriver. My lips are probably orange and pulpy.

  I wipe the corners of them, just in case.

  When the four of us girls walk in, it's going to be like that game they used to have on TV when I was little. There was some song, Which one of these things don't belong?

 
That, would be me.

  "So you're the bride, huh? It's pretty cool you're doing this," one of the dancers says.

  "You think so? I was just thinking it could backfire. Like if he likes me, but doesn't know it's me, he's in trouble. If he doesn't think I'm sexy like you guys are, he's in trouble. If he likes one of you, he's in trouble. I don't think this is a good idea."

  "Come on, he'll love it. When the time's right, just tell him. Or take off your mask. He'll be shocked, but he'll love it."

  "What am I even supposed to do? I'm not that good of a dancer."

  "Just go straight to him, shimmy in front of him a little, then do a lap dance."

  I mentally thank Lori for buying the stripper's workout. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have a clue.

  We go into the suite. The boys are trying to act cool. Well, except for Joey and Dillon, who are chanting, "Take it off."

  I move in front of Phillip. He's so adorable, and well, I'm in a mask. I might as well have some fun with him. I sit on his lap, straddling him. Run my hands through his hair the way I always do. He has a grin on his face, but he's not touching me. He sorta has his hands limply down by his side. I grind into his lap, then get up, and decide to dance in front of him.

  I do what is probably the stupidest circle twirl thing ever seen. Why didn't my mom make me take dance lessons? Why did she let me play soccer? Didn't she know every girl needs to know how to dance at some point in their lives?

  When I turn back around to face Phillip, his eyes roll down my body. I hear Nick from behind me yell, "Come on, Mac, show her what ya got!"

  Phillip squints his eyes at me, flashes a big grin, gives Nick a thumbs up, then pulls me onto his lap. Then he puts his hands firmly across my ass and pulls me in even closer!

  I swear, I'm going to kill him.

  The boys think it's awesome. Neil hoots, "Way to go, Mac!"

  Joey goes, "Aw, yeah, baby!"

  I'm super conflicted. Part of me wants to rip this mask off and scream at Phillip and all his stupid friends, You assholes! The other part of me wants to stay in character just to see how far he'll take this. I choose the later, wrap my arms around his neck, and nuzzle my boobs into his face.