That Wedding Page 29

  When we got home, I stayed in the bathroom until I was sure Phillip had fallen asleep.

  Today at work, we've both pretended to be very busy.

  I'm afraid to say anything to him. I'm afraid he's going to ask me questions.

  And I don't know the answers to any of them.

  On the drive to counseling, he doesn't really say anything to me. He seems to have given up.

  I'm still mad he laughed at me. I'm still mad he didn't seem to care that he hurt my feelings, but what's worse is that it feels like more.

  It feels like our relationship is breaking down.

  Have you ever had your car run out of gas? You know that sputtering it does, right before it dies?

  That's what this feels like.

  We sit down in the stupid chairs. If pastor was any kind of decent counselor at all, he'd be able to tell just from our body language that things are not good.

  Phillip is leaning away from me. My arms are crossed tightly in front of me. I don't even really want to look at Phillip.

  What I'd like to do is puke in the trash can, but I'm trying to hold it in.

  Pastor starts our session with, "Today, we want to discuss intimacy."

  "You mean sex?" I say. Even though I hate him, I have to admit, some of his topics have been timely.

  "Not just sex. We talked about that last time. I'm talking about being close, giving him a massage, whispering in her ear, showing your love in other ways, staying close, talking. As we discussed last week, you'll go through a honeymoon period, and then things will level out. It's important that couples agree on timing and frequency. If one person in the couple wants physical intimacy, and they don't get it, it can cause hurt feelings, feelings of inadequacy. You might think they don't love you as much as they used to."

  "We had our first argument about sex yesterday," Phillip says.

  "No, we didn't." I say. "That's bullshit. We didn't argue about sex. I told you no and shut the door. We haven't argued at all. We really haven't talked."

  Phillip turns to me, crosses his arms in front of his chest, and glares at me for disagreeing with him. "Well, you didn't want to do, um, that thing with me that you usually like to do."

  This pisses me off. Why can't Phillip keep his big mouth shut? We're not supposed to be discussing specifics, only sex in general terms, so we can use the information down the road someday.

  But if he wants to talk about it now, so be it.

  "You're right, Phillip. I didn't want to have sex with you in the shower after you sprayed beer on my head laughing at me. It really wasn't a turn on." I maybe say it a bit bitterly.

  Phillip's eyes get huge.

  He glances at the pastor, who takes it all in stride. "Why were you laughing at her, Phillip?"

  Phillip visibly cringes. "I think we can figure this out at home."

  "No, I think we should talk about it now. You brought it up."

  Phillip narrows his eyes at me. "Well, if we're gonna do that, I guess we'll have to start with what went on at Keggers."

  I narrow my eyes at him. "Nothing went on at Keggers, Phillip. I went out with some friends. We talked in counseling about doing things on our own. About not spending all our time together. I needed to get away, Phillip. Wedding planning, building planning, a new house. Those are all very stressful things."

  He replies in a pissy voice. "Like I'm not stressed too?"

  "I'm sure you are, Phillip, but Keggers had nothing to do with you not getting sex in the shower. You didn't get sex because you made me feel stupid. You laughed at me. That's not very effective foreplay."

  "You don't even get it," Phillip says with a big sigh. He shakes his head and looks at Pastor John. Then he says with a wave of his hand, "Why don't you just tell us whatever else you have. I don't think this situation requires any further discussion."

  Pastor John nods at him.

  I roll my eyes at Phillip. Right now, I kinda hate him. I wonder if now would be a good time to bring up the burning bush?

  I decide not to. Worse case, I burst into flames on my wedding day. And if I do, I'll probably be dead, so I won't have to die of embarrassment.

  Win-win situation.

  Pastor goes on about intimacy, caring about each other, doing little things to make each other happy. I'm not sure really, I kinda tuned him out.

  My body may not be literally burning, but my mind is still on fire with questions.

  As we're ready to leave, Pastor hands us each a questionnaire to fill out and bring back next time. He looks at the two of us, both pissed and not even wanting to look at each other. "Well, if there is a next time. Maybe you need to rethink this whole wedding thing."

  He might be right, but he had no right to say it out loud.

  Do voodoo dolls work?

  Does anyone know? And do you know where I can get one?

  Actually, maybe I'll take two. One for Pastor, and one for Phillip.

  Right now, I hate them both.

  I'm still pissed when we get back home. I take a couple Advil for the headache that has been pounding in my head, plop down on the couch, and cover myself with a blanket.

  Phillip sits down next to me. Phillip has a voice that reminds me of my dad. Especially when he's mad. It's that same authoritative tone. "We're going to talk about this."

  "There's nothing to talk about, Phillip," I sass back.

  "I disagree. We're pissed off at each other. We have to be able to talk about this stuff if we're going to make it."

  If we're going to make it? IF!!?? Does Phillip think we might not make it? He's the one who's always so sure about us making it!

  How am I possibly going to get through this if Phillip doubts it?

  He continues. "So you were mad I laughed at you, and that's why you didn't wanna shower with me?"

  I nod. "Yes."

  "Do you think I should be mad at you about Keggers?"

  "After Keggers, you said we had the best sex of your life. Why should you be mad?"

  He moves closer to me and gets in my face. "I'm talking about what went on at the bar. Not what happened after we came home."

  "Well, if you had a problem with me, we should've talked about it then. You shouldn't have attacked me. Sex doesn't solve conflicts, remember?"

  "I attacked you?" He laughs. "You stripped your clothes off the minute we walked through the door."

  "What? You can't resist me?"

  He doesn't answer my question, probably because it's obvious that he can't. Instead, he says, "I was texting you. Asked if you wanted to go home with Bradley. You said you didn't think so, but that you'd think about it. You never replied. Again. Why do you think I drove all the way down there?"

  "I thought you came to party with us."

  "No, I didn't want you to go home with him. I was afraid you would."

  "So you don't trust me? How are we supposed to get married if you don't trust me?"

  Sputter, sputter. The car dies.

  I try to start it again. Nothing. I'm pretty sure it's out of gas, and I'm stranded on a dark road in the middle of nowhere.

  "Did you have fun at Keggers?" he asks me.

  "Kinda. I think I just needed to blow off a little steam."

  "So this isn't about the burning bush?"

  I sigh madly. "Stop reading my mind." I turn my head away from him.

  He grabs the back of my head, specifically the base of my ponytail and forces me to look at him.

  Phillip's being a just a little rough, and it's extremely panty melting. That boy just turns me on. Even when I hate him.

  I can't even help it.

  Plus, it's been nearly forty-eight hours since we last had sex.

  I must be in withdrawals.

  He's still talking. "I swear, you will not burst into flames at our wedding. Think of how everything fell into place. We're meant to be together. You know we are. I love you, Princess."

  He's so freaking sweet. I gaze deep into his brown eyes for a second then press my lips har
d into his. He responds by letting go of my ponytail and pulling me hard into his hips. I don't bother with his shirt, but go straight for his belt.

  He responds with equal intensity. He kisses me roughly, pushes up my dress, and pulls me on top of him.

  I wake up happy and in a good mood. I'm ready to walk out the door when Danny calls me. I answer. "Hey, what's up?"

  "What's going on with you?"

  "Not much. I'm on my way to get a massage. Phillip wants me to relax."

  "No, I mean the other night. What went on at the bar?"

  "Did Phillip tell you about that?"

  "No, Nick did."

  Shit. If Nick told him, he knows everything. "Uh, just went down to the museum. Met up with Nick. Had a few drinks. The usual. Why?"

  "Jay, I swear, I don't know how Phillip puts up with you."

  "I didn't do anything, Danny. I really didn't."

  "Oh, really? Let's bring out the highlight film. You said here, here to hookups. You flirted with Bradley. You stopped texting Phillip after he asked if you wanted to sleep with the bartender. You drank way too many shots. You were grinding on Nick. You dressed up as a waitress...."

  I interrupt him. "I was working. A girl called in sick, I was helping out."

  Danny ignores me. "You were flirting with the customers. You let some guy put a tip down your shirt. You went in the back room with Bradley for over four minutes. You let Phillip drink a Sex on the Stairs shot. You were feeding Bradley pizza. Am I forgetting anything?"

  "Well, jeeze, when you say it like that, it sounds bad."

  "It is bad, Jay."

  "I didn't do anything wrong, Danny."

  Danny gives me a huffy sigh.

  "Okay, fine. Maybe I drank too much, but I wasn't that drunk. Like I didn't get sick or anything."

  "Oh yeah, I heard about the special vodka too."

  "Bradley's a good guy."

  "Jay, you just got with Phillip. Don't screw it up already. If Lori did something like that, I would've dragged her ass out of the bar."

  "You wouldn't have dragged her ass anywhere. She would've stomped her little foot down, put her hand on her hip, and told you to chill the fuck out or go home by yourself. She did that once, remember?"

  "Shut up. Yes, I remember, but it was a completely different situation."

  "Do you remember when you were in a similar situation? That night after you scored four touchdowns? When she got to the bar, and you were surrounded by girls? You were dancing and doing shots. She whispered in your ear that if you ever wanted to see her again, you'd leave now. You ran out of the bar with your tail between your legs. You were whipped."

  "No, I was in love."

  "What would I have done if Phillip told me to leave?"

  "Jay, you're supposed to be whipped. That's my point. Why do you seem so hell bent on screwing it up?"

  "You didn't have to plan a wedding, Danny. You just showed up. You dated her for over a year. I'm just a little stressed. I just needed to have a little fun. Phillip's not mad at me, so stop worrying about it. It's none of your business. And here I was just thinking how nice it's been lately. Since we aren't living together anymore, we hardly ever fight. Just stop trying to tell me what to do. I hate it!"

  "All I'm saying is you keep doing shit like that, you're not gonna have to wait for the boom. You're gonna trigger it yourself."

  He hangs up on me.

  I hate Danny sometimes, and I especially hate him when I know he's right.

  We had our typical Sunday night dinner at the Mac's. Phillip's parents talked excitedly about the wedding. Mrs. Mac kept saying, Only SIX more days!

  When she said it, I kept picturing myself walking the plank instead of down the aisle.

  It's all fine though. It's normal. I just have a little case of cold feet.

  I look at Phillip sleeping.

  And I know for sure. He's the one I want forever.

  I put my head on his shoulder and fall asleep.

  I'm in my wedding dress standing outside the ceremony waiting to walk down the aisle. My dad walks up to me. He's wearing a black tuxedo. He looks so handsome, and I'm so happy he's here. He tells me I look beautiful, that I'll always be his Angel, and then he holds his elbow out.

  I hear the wedding march start to play. My mom is standing by the door.

  She nods at us. It's time.

  My dad turns and looks at me. His eyes are suddenly panicked. He pulls me off to the side, through a small door. When the door shuts, the room disappears, and we're in the clouds.

  "Are we in heaven?" I ask.

  He doesn't answer me, but I know it's heaven because dad looks younger than the last time I saw him.

  "Angel," he says, "are you sure you want to do this? You know, you don't have to go through with it."

  "Are you saying I shouldn't go through with it?"

  "I think you're rushing things. You're going way too fast."

  Next thing I know, I'm in the tree in our backyard. Phillip is in the tree with me. We're hiding from my dad because he's really mad at me. He just found out that I lied when I told him I didn't break the neighbor's window with a baseball. I'm still wearing my wedding dress, but I'm only eight years old. I know I'm in big trouble for lying, and I'm scared he's going to spank me. Phillip is sitting on the same limb with me. He's holding my hand and telling me it will be okay. That we can stay out here all night, that he's not scared of the dark even though he knows I am.

  Dad comes marching over to the tree. There's nowhere for us to hide, so I try not to move a muscle. Dad pulls me out of the tree, and I'm forced to let go of Phillip's hand. Dad says madly, "If you can't make good decisions, then you're not playing with Phillip anymore."

  I start bawling.

  Phillip wakes me up. "Are you okay? It sounded like you were crying."

  "I was. Do you remember when we were little, and I lied to my dad about us breaking the neighbor's window? Remember hiding in the tree?"

  "I do remember. He was pissed."

  "He told me I couldn't play with you anymore."

  "We never listened, did we?"

  "No, we didn't."

  Phillip falls back to sleep.

  I lay here thinking. Did my dad just try and tell me not to marry Phillip?

  First, God, now my dad?

  I'm seriously ready to walk the plank, just to make these horrible dreams stop.

  Phillip's already gone to work. I'm being snoopy and trying to find any clue I can as to where we're going on our honeymoon. He won't tell me anything, other than to bring bikinis. He's been teasing me, telling me that we're going to the North Pole. That it's a new honeymoon hot spot. I search through his underwear drawer. That's where he used to hide stuff when he was little. I find a folded up piece of paper and think, ohhh, maybe this is something!

  I unfold it and find Phillip's counseling questionnaire. His neat handwriting is under each typed out question.

  I go grab my questionnaire to compare our answers. I'm pretty sure this is like our final exam.

  The final exam that we have to pass.

  I set his paper next to mine and read his answers. Please let them be exactly like mine.

  What do you want out of your married life?

  Me: To live happily ever after.

  Phillip: A great long relationship with the love of my life. To be happy and healthy, have a family.

  Aww. Isn't that cute? We're perfectly adorable and well matched. I'm so glad I decided to peek. What's next?

  How are you different?

  Me: We're very different in pretty much every way. Phillip is controlled. I am wild. Phillip is methodical. I'm schizophrenic. Phillip is neat. I'm kinda messy. Phillip is an early bird. I'm not.

  Phillip: We have different ways of thinking. I'm an introverted thinker. She speaks before she thinks.

  Uh, I mean, yes, I know I do that, but the way he wrote it kinda sounds like a slam. I don't think I like that answer. I fight the temptation to cross it out.
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  Where will you live? How did you decide to live there?

  Me: We just bought an amazing house in Kansas City, and we decided to live there because Phillip needed to move there for his job.

  Phillip: We decided together that we would move to Kansas City, and we bought an amazing house. She's really excited about it.

  Yes, SHE is. But shouldn't Phillip be saying, we're very excited about it?

  Isn't he excited about it?

  Have you discussed how many children you want, and when?

  Me: Not really. I do want kids, but I don't want them for at least 3-5 years. And we'll have like 1, maybe 2 kids.

  Phillip: We want them right away. And like 3, 4, maybe 5 kids.

  WTF????!!!!!! Five kids!! RIGHT AWAY!?!?!?! Is he nuts????? We NEVER discussed that!

  What do you do when you spend quality time together?

  Me: We have sex. Oh, no, I can't write that. Cross that out. We jog together, watch football, hangout, stuff like that. I really do like hanging out with Phillip. We have fun together.

  Phillip: We do everything together. We work out together, love sports, going out, hanging out with friends. She has always been my best friend.

  What will you do if you have a disagreement?

  Me: Honestly, I will probably pout until I get my way. And if that doesn't work, I will be mad and ignore him until he caves. It's worked well in the past.

  Phillip: We'll openly discuss it. We really don't have many disagreements though. She does get mad at me sometimes, but I can usually talk her out of it.

  He can talk me out of being mad? He's never talked me out of being mad! Who does he think he's marrying?

  Do you ever hide from your true feelings? Do you ever use the silent treatment, lie, blame each other, or stop talking to each other?

  Me: Yes, to pretty much all of the above.

  Phillip: No, I'm very open with my feelings, at least Jadyn always knows what I'm feeling. And she tells me everything.

  Oh, boy. We're in big trouble.

  What went wrong with your longest relationship?